Full Circle

A Birthday Celebrated ~ A Birthday Grieved..

2012-01-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

All in a 24 hour time span..

Yesterday, my darling SweetPee turned, "FREEEEE!!!" As sassy and tantrum-filled as this time in her life is, dang she's adorable. Tonight we will have a small family party in which she plans to, "Open pwesents, bwhoa out candles and eat cake.. blue cake..."

God, I love that girl.

Today would've been Matt's 49th birthday. I'm trying to push past the gloom of sadness, not dwell on memories of the last 10 birthdays we've shared and really try to focus on the joy of living. I cannot allow myself to get swallowed up by grief and truly look forward to our little gathering tonight.

And the Merlot.

This Many...

2012-01-24T09:31:00.001-07:00

This Week!

My SweetPea .. not a baby anymore.. sigh..

Full Circle Flashback ...

2012-01-20T09:03:00.001-07:00

3 Years Ago Today:

Jack and Jill moved in... Our beautiful 4 1/2 year old twins and first foster placements..

Oh my, what a ride that was.. seems like 100 years ago and yesterday.. No, we are not in contact but yes, I do happen by their neighborhood every now and again running errands.

And I still pray for their safety and well being.

Although We Didn't Win...

2012-01-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

It was still a HECK of a great season!!

GO RAVENS!!!

My Mostest Favoritest Thank You Card..

2012-01-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

EV-ER

Pay Attention!

2012-01-12T21:24:00.002-07:00

Because a minute ago she couldn't talk..
And now she jabbers up a storm.

An hour ago, he would explode over anything,
And now he says, "Yes Ma'am" and "No Ma'am" .. taking things in stride.

A day ago she hummed her ABC's..
And now she's almost got them mastered.

("...ELEMENOPEEEE!" sung the loudest)

A month ago, he struggled to read...
And now he's so confident he is teaching baby sister.

Try not to look away, it passes so quickly..

Do not take it for granted.

2011 taught me what a precious gift time truly is..

Try not squander it.

Tomorrow = Orange Friday 2.0

2012-01-12T17:10:00.001-07:00

Sport your Orange tomorrow..

Because Mayor Hancock SAYS SO!

BIG NEWS From Our Friend SocialWrkr24/7!!

2012-01-11T17:05:00.001-07:00

Sometime back I called on my awesome prayer warriors and positive buddies to hold my dear friend up as a cancer diagnosis had come from out of the blue.

Please check out the latest in her post:

Spreading The News

God is SO GOOD!

Ultimate Girls Day Out...

2012-01-09T09:36:00.005-07:00

So yesterday, we went there...

Cheered like maniacs from here...

(No lie, my voice is SHOT)

Had a few of these...

AND WE WON in OVERTIME.. We're Headed to New England, Baby!

But best of all, I got to spend the afternoon with one of my besties.. much needed, might I add.

A PERFECT GIRLS DAY (for Broncos fans.. Steelers fans? Not so much..)

:-)

Eyes In The Back My Head?

2012-01-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe..

Maybe Not..

Now THIS Is The Way...

2012-01-04T12:01:00.001-07:00

To Start The Day!!!

Actually, a heck of a way to start the YEAR.. Great first post of 2012, if I do say so, myself..

(Little Buddy couldn't quite get "Thankful" to fit... LOL)

Hasta La Vista 2011...

2011-12-31T11:28:00.001-07:00

... And Good Riddance!

I usually do a fun year in review post and talk about all the crazy highs and lows. Not this time.. I'm just not going there. 2011 was one of the hardest years of my life and I'm happy to leave it behind.

Sayonara, Adios, Buh bye.

On a positive note, I did make some amazing new friends, found my laughter and I'm getting my groove back. I feel like me again.. just a new and improved version. More appreciative and mindful of my blessings, for sure.

Big News: Yesterday I filled out the paperwork to change LittleBuddy and SweetPea's names for their revised birth certificates. I had to leave my desk and go into the bathroom because I burst out crying...

Tears of joy ROCK!

So here's to 2012.. To finalizing the adoption, making new memories and getting our joy on.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Christmas Snapshots..

2011-12-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

Beginning...

Middle...

End...

And today, we rest.

I hope everyone had a VERY Merry Christmas!

Where Tree Tops Glisten..

2011-12-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

And children listen
to hear sleigh bells in the snow...

I'm Dreaming ...

2011-12-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Of A White Christmas...

And it's still snowing! WOOT!

BIG BIG BIG NEWS!!!

2011-12-20T15:11:00.000-07:00

Got word from my social worker today.. the appeal has been DE-NIED and we're moving forward with adoption!!!!!!!!!! I swear I cried and shouted all in the same breath.

We should be in adoption court in February.

GOD IS SO GOOD!

MEEERRRRRRYYY CHRISTMAS!

Do You Know What I Know?

2011-12-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Even grief can't completely ruin Christmas.

There is nothing that melts me more than SweetPea (almost three) OOhhh-ing and Awww-ing over the lights and ornaments. When she asked, "Mommy, may I kiss Baby Desus, pwease?" (she loves the Nativity scenes) I thought my heart would explode with love for my little curly haired angel.

This all happening between temper tantrums, of course.

Christmas is alive and well in our home, thanks to the innocence, excitement and wonderment of both my children. A reminder of what the Season is truly all about...

Hope.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Yes, I'm Ready For Some Football..

2011-12-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

This one is for you, CloudMaster!!

GOOOOO BRONCOS!!!!

A Christmas Letter ~ To My Husband

2011-12-16T14:06:00.004-07:00

Dear Matt,

I would like to say this is a Christmas season full of joy but really, it's far from it. You know this is my second favorite holiday (after Thanksgiving) and it has been brutal at best. I finally got the inside of the house decorated (a half-assed job but I gave it my all) and friends, Uncle JoeJoe and Uncle Mike helped decorate the outside. I didn't hang your stocking and every time I look at the fireplace I'm reminded of the void.

I'm tired, angry and sad...

The kids are doing pretty well. LittleBuddy has struggled lately, getting in trouble at school and here at home. Some things are typical 7 year old boy-issues, others not. At times he exhausts me but that's nothing new. I'm bound and determined to raise him up to be a good man.. God as my witness, it will happen.

SweetPea is amazing.. almost totally potty trained, completely sassy, talking up a storm, she sings, counts, dances.. She melted your heart months ago and would do it doubly now. And oh boy, can she rock a temper fit. But dammit, she's beautiful.

They both are.

I think the entire family's goal is to survive this season and get it far behind us. New Years will be equally as tough, as we would snowmobile every year, but that too will pass. I have huge hope 2012 will be better for all of us.

It has to be.

Until Next Time,

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends..

2011-12-14T17:01:00.003-07:00

And My Family...

:-)

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?

2011-12-13T10:26:00.003-07:00

Not for everyone...

We've had a huge influx of family visiting since Thanksgiving and the distractions have been wonderful. That being said, I still have had to lug out (and face) the Christmas decor and that has been no fun. When I finally got the kids down for "quiet time" last Saturday, I was in the basement ~~trying to maintain what's left of my dignity while~~ digging through Christmas containers. With my iPod jamming me to deafness, I was doing really well ... until I got to our stockings. Then I fell apart...

In a big way.

I had custom stockings made for Matt and I back in '02 and coming across them literally dropped me to my knees. I could barely breathe my heart hurt so badly and I cried like a child.

It was August 12th all over again.

This grieving stuff completely sucks... however, it's a process I have no choice but to face. If not now, when? Once I regained composure and got on with the business of decking the halls it all wasn't nearly as crushing. I'm not quite done yet but should have the house all purty-like by the weekend. Normally I would be totally freaked out I'm so behind. This year, not so much.

Please don't get me wrong, I love Christmas..

Just not this one.

Cuz All The Cool Kids...

2011-12-12T11:38:00.002-07:00

Hang in the kitchen...

Tebow Time ~ Full Circle Style...

2011-12-09T08:30:00.001-07:00

Uncle JoeJoe and Auntie D (Matt's younger brother and his darling wife) are in town .. the kiddos had a BLAST breaking the rules...

And scoring touchdowns!! :-)

Merry Thankmus!!

2011-12-06T14:42:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, Nantie and Uncle Elvis had us all up to their place for a holiday party. Unable to get everyone together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, the shin ding was dubbed, "Merry Thankmus" ...

It was a hoot.

Little Buddy got to cheat at musical chairs...

We got our do-si-do on...

Little Buddy got to drool over his best Wyoming girl...

SweetPea and I took some pictures... and Tweeted, updated our Facebook status, texted..

And did I mention we watched the Broncos beat the Vikings in OT?

Oh yeah!

Thank you Nantie and Uncie Elvis for having us crazies up and treating us to such a lovely afternoon! Yet another reminder of how blessed I am to have such an awesome family!

Ho Ho Ho!

Calling All My Prayer Warriors ~ Friend In Need!

2011-12-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Many of you already know SocialWrkr24/7's popular blog Eyes Opened Wider, journaling her life as a social worker. She has a heart for God and the children on her caseload. I wish we had more workers like her in our county. No joke. To many, she is the voice for the children, to me she is a wonderful friend and supporter..

It's time to return the favor.

The Sunday before Thankgiving, she went in to the ER with stomach pains. Diagnosis? Cancer. Life flipped upside down in an instant... sadly a feeling many of us can relate to. I asked her what we all could do. She said, "Please pray" ... I've vowed to pray her through this and I hope you do, as well.

Please visit her blog, leave comments and, most importantly, pray. I know how much the support our awesome community has meant to me (and continues to do so). Let's lift up our wonderful friend and walk beside her.

Kiddo, you know how much I love you. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Hang in there .. and never forget, we're here for you!

My Birth Mom Search Continues.. Err, Kind Of..

2011-12-01T22:42:00.004-07:00

Back in early 2010 I hired an investigator in an attempt to locate my Birth Mom. I tried searching for her myself on and off throughout the years (and with assistance of search angels.. ie: friends that worked for free) with no luck.

I was confident it would take but a few months for the professionals to track her down. Heck, they're the company (the television show) Troy The Locator uses and they reunite people in, like, 22 minutes. My case should be a piece of cake, right?

Um, no.

We hit a wall quickly (I have a very common birth name) and needed to have the county of my birth pull my non id info again. There were several questions that weren't addressed when they originally sent it to me five years ago. I was told a case worker would be assigned soon and advised to follow up in a few weeks to make sure I didn't fall through the cracks. It should take 60-90 days to get the info back. I called diligently every three months and was told the same thing..

For the next year and a half..

Yesterday I heard back from the worker. When I ~~picked myself up off the floor~~ realized the questions (she could answer) were complete, I literally started to shake. Then she asked if I preferred she mail it to me or shoot me an email. What? Duh..

I got the email today.

Unfortunately, not all the questions were answered and the ones that were are vague at best. It's feeling like this search has run it's course. That all being said, it's not the end of the world and I am far from incomplete. I am grateful for my wonderful family and insanely fantastic group of friends.

She's out there somewhere, or maybe not. She wonders about me or she doesn't. I may never know. Or maybe I will.. The one thing I do know?

No matter what, I'm very blessed.

Giving Thanks...

2011-11-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays but this was a weekend I had been dreading. Unsure of which way it would go (would I end up locking myself in my closet with a ~~bottle~~ glass of wine rocking on the floor the entire time?), I braced myself for the worst version of me to seep through.

I'm happy to report composure was maintained and the entire family did really well. We had some new friends join us and hootin' and a hollerin' wafted through the house. Had it not been for the massive caloric intake, I would of had abs of steel from all the laughter.

Yes, Thursday has come and gone. Leftovers are but a memory and pants are snug in all the wrong places. Well mine are, anyway. The bombardment of the holiday season in full swing but I will continue to be thankful.

I give thanks for my beautiful, crazy children, an amazing family, old and new friends, our home, laughing again (so hard it hurts), my job and awesome bosses.. and for somehow keeping my nose above water level. Even when it's hard to see them, there are loads of blessings, big and small..

Everywhere.

A Year Ago Today...

2011-11-20T06:00:00.051-07:00

At 9:00 pm, Matt and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. It had been 6 months since our previous placement ("JuneBug") had left to live with her relatives out of state. Nantie had also moved to Cheyenne and was living with her dreamboat, Elvis (who is STILL her rock star, might I add, and we love him dearly). The house was quiet (well, except for the herd of canines..), errr, let's say not as lively as it had once been. I was getting antsy, ready for SOMETHING to happen and honestly contemplating moving to a different county when recertification came up.

Then the phone rang.

An emergency placement.. a 6 year old boy and his 22 month old sister. We asked the few important questions and agreed without giving it too much thought. Kids in need, we had the room, why not? It's what we were there for and it really wasn't a big deal. Years prior we had put ourselves on the holiday list and figured it was a temporary thing. Thanksgiving was a few days away, families tended to implode (drinking/drug use skyrockets) and available homes were scarce as many foster care providers went on holiday. Basically, intakes spike.

A week, two tops.

At 1:30am the following morning, headlights swooped across the driveway and a car parked out front. It was a bitterly cold, clear night and the stars were twinkling. Snuggled in sound asleep in the backseat the bright moonlight revealed two of the most beautiful sleeping faces I had ever seen.

And so it began...

This journey started with little fanfare and no expectation. Two innocent angels caught up in a horrible mess. It feels like a decade ago and the blink of an eye all at the same time. So much has happened since. Great breakthroughs and huge heartbreaks. I am so grateful they are still here and pray we get this case wrapped up sooner rather than later.

One thing is certain, God has a curious way of going about things...

Fall Back.. Literally..

2011-11-08T10:45:00.001-07:00

With the holiday season looming, I've been contemplating running away until after the New Year. Some island with sugar sand and umbrella drinks. Okay, maybe not but (had it not been for my kiddos) I probably would have given it serious thought. Errr, maybe. Don't fret.. we'll survive.. we've made it this far, right?

Right.

The crazy thing about this whole grief thing is how it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I was worried about Halloween.. missing Matt not seeing the kids' costumes, etc. I breezed through it, no problemo. All the events we went to were really fun and we had a blast. Then, I started stressing about Thanksgiving. That's going to be a huge challenge.. but guess what got me? The TIME CHANGE.

Seriously.

Matt's job was to change all the time on clocks. The ones up high, down low and everything in between. This past weekend really threw me for a loop.. totally unexpected. Saturday, Sunday and most of Monday was a complete blue funk. It sucked out loud, might I add. But it, too, has passed.

Thank God...

My Shining Star...

2011-10-30T10:08:00.000-06:00

Finding Me & Our New Normal

2011-10-27T06:32:00.000-06:00

So, here we are. A few months down the road from the day our entire world got flipped upside down and turned inside out. So much has happened and I've got so much to say. That being said I, personally, cannot stand long, novelette blog posts so I'll fill y'all in with short and sweet ones. Emphasis on try. I'm getting my groove back and will do a better job at writing regularly.

Swears.

LittleBuddy and SweetPea are doing well. He has his moments but they are fewer and farther between. With SP, I'm seeing we dodged the Terrible Twos bullet but it's the Threes we need to wary of. Oh my, the girl is sassy (that's the family friendly version). Luckily, for both, they're so stinkin' cute ...

I am holding my own. I purchased a treadmill a few weeks back to get my routine straightened out. Seriously, I wasn't getting but 3 hours of sleep (the ole mind spin) and these early morning workouts now have me yawning by 9pm. The bootie trimmin' is an added bonus! :)

I still have my private break downs but they, too, are farther between. The snow storm yesterday was especially hard. More things added to my list of having to do (that were Matt's "jobs").. I now have to figure out how to get the snow plow on the ATV to push snow, taking brooms and beating snow off trees, etc.. But harder still was that this is really "our" time of year. We loved to snowmobile and he was in his element in the cold and white stuff.

One more thing to get through without him.

I'm standing on the edge of the holidays and absolutely dreading the thought. To be honest, if I didn't have the kids, I would find a way to disappear until after January and just not deal. Or crawl into myself and not celebrate. The reality is, that cannot happen and our entire family will pull off the smiles, excitement and bear it. The kiddos will have their holidays like all the others.

But oh my gosh, it's going to be hard.

The adoption is still delayed thanks to an appeal that will be denied. Eventually. When the judge gets to it. Someday. Sigh..

For today, I pray for strength and peace for our family to get through the next few months. But mostly give thanks for all our blessings, including my silly, sweet, sassy kiddos.

Without them, gosh only knows where my life would've gone..

Hello? Is This Thing On?!?

2011-10-12T10:40:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the recent blog neglect.. just trying to find my way through this "new normal". Things here are actually going really well, all things considered. I've pulled way back on LittleBuddy's therapy sessions and he is returning to his sweet, silly self. Seriously, we know Daddy is gone... no need to reopen that wound every.single.week. Gah!

In other news..
The Raffle:
From GSG Customs Facebook Fan Page:
We had an amazing turn out over 100 people in the shop and we had 181 people watching online! I would like to give thanks to ComposiMo Fabrication, Ice House Tavern for all the support!

James, Me and the Tonka Toy:

Now here are the winners :
Chris Johnson - won "Tonka Toy"
Philip Saraff - won a complete GY6 motor swap for his ruckus
Tim Nichols - GSG Hoodie
Deanne Fujiooto - GSG Hoodie
Nathan Mielnik - GSG Hoodie
Mark Holcomb - GSG Hoodie
Aaron Carlock - $25.00 gift card to The Ice House Tavern
Mellisa Moringlo - $25.00 gift card to The Ice House Tavern

Us in action that night:

One more time.. A HUGE, "THANK YOU!!!" to everyone that participated, donated, got the word out and to Lizzie.. who got me home safely. :)

It's Raffle Night, Y'all!!!

2011-10-01T11:14:00.000-06:00

The big count down has begun for the Grand Reopening Party at Grape Street Garage Customs ... and we're raffling Tonka Toy off TONIGHT!

THERE'S STILL TIME TO GET YOUR WINNING TICKET!!

100% of the proceeds are going to a fund for LittleBuddy and SweetPea. They will ship the bike anywhere in the US (or deliver it personally if the winner is local!). You need not be present to win. There are 4 ways to purchase the tickets, please go to GSG Customs Shop Blog for deets!

We'll be live streaming the event.. will post the link later on today so you can watch us in action! I'll be drawing YOUR winning ticket tonight at 9:30 MDT/8:30 PST/11:30 EST. I'll also be getting my geek on and tweeting from my own account @FullCircle_Mel & @GSGCustoms.. FOLLOW US for all the fun!

The Tonka Toy in action (THIS COULD BE YOU NEXT WEEKEND!):

Gettin' On With Gettin' On...

2011-09-28T08:23:00.006-06:00

So, here we are.. a month and half after the worst day ever and we're all hanging in there. LB is at his absolute worst after therapy (I'm likening it more to ripping open scabs every week and am questioning the frequency of the visits.. we'll see). But all in all, thanks to the support of our amazing family and friends, we're doing really well.

Both of my kids are growing like weeds. At the rate LittleBuddy is going, he will definitely hit 6'3" as predicted (my bets are more like 8' the way he eats but I'll defer to the professionals). I swear SweetPea says new things every day. Did I mention she counted to 13 all by her little lonesome the other day? I declared my 2 1/2 year old a rocket scientist (as Jack and Jill at 4 1/2 couldn't count past 3 when they came to us). Okay, maybe an unfair comparison.. probably a future Nobel Peace Prize winner..

Grin.

We've had a minor glitch case wise. One of the family members that had their rights terminated is appealing the decision. Did I mention this person is ~~incarcerated~~ .. errr.. busy until 2016? No one is surprised and it shouldn't set us back too much but for crying out loud.. Really?

Really.

I'm working more hours (did a FULL day on Monday!) and can say without the slightest hesitation a normal, run of the mill, ordinary day is like the greatest breath of fresh air.

Uneventful days ROCK!

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-09-26T11:41:00.000-06:00

Perfect Fit...

A Boy, A Dog...

2011-09-24T11:04:00.000-06:00

.. And Buzz Lightyear..

Our Jammie Morning...

I Spy With My Little Blue Eye...

2011-09-23T08:26:00.000-06:00

The First Day of Fall!

ENJOY!!!

Somewhere...

2011-09-22T09:41:00.000-06:00

Over the rainbow,

Skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare

to dream

Really do come true.

Latest Haps ...

2011-09-17T11:47:00.003-06:00

Well, we made it past the one month mark since Matt's passing (on 9/11 of all things) and are hanging in there. Good days and a few bad days as y'all can imagine... but we're adjusting and pressing forward. LittleBuddy has had a pretty tough time but oh my goodness, the poor little guy has been through the wringer. He seems to be past the first "hump" of turmoil and is snapping out of the pouty bad moods (and rages) quicker. I told our social worker it feels like we're starting to lean forward (rather than taking steps back).

Thank GOD!

LB is spending the weekend with their older, 1/2 brother ("Freckles") and his family. The only bio fam the kiddos have that is healthy and safe ... and I completely adore them. It's a win win. So, SweetPea and I have spent this Saturday morning snuggling, streaming Sesame Street and singing along...

And having a wonderful time, might I add...

In other news...

I fixed the Big TV last night

(it mysteriously went out the night Matt passed)

and we're rockin' Ernie and friends in style

(and surround..)

LittleBuddy will be PSYCHED ... Did I earn a new MomBadge?

... And Did I Mention A Raffle??

2011-09-16T09:40:00.000-06:00

Because y'all know I'm just not going to pipe down until October 2nd, right?

TONKA TOY - GSG Custom's Denver Colorado from GSG Customs' on Vimeo.

The drawing will be October 1st (I'm pulling the winning ticket!). 100% of the proceeds go to a fund for SweetPea and Little Buddy. Please go to GSG Customs Blog for deets... THANK YOU AND GOOD LUCK!!

Matt's Ruckus ~ A Raffle For LittleBuddy & SweetPea

2011-09-10T09:15:00.004-06:00

Matt's dear friend James Boston (owner of Grape Street Garage Customs in Denver) is going to finish the award winning bike Matt designed (Tonka Toy) and raffle it off (tickets are $40 a piece). 100% of the proceeds are going to a fund for LittleBuddy and SweetPea. They will ship the bike anywhere in the US (or deliver it personally if the winner is local!). The winner will be announced at the Grand ReOpening Party on October 1st and need not be present to win. There are 4 ways to purchase the tickets, please go to GSG Customs Shop Blog for deets!

The Tonka Toy in action:

This bike was Matt's pride and joy. Every bit of the build has his fingerprint.. from the bright yellow paint (his favorite color) to his signature flames (embroidered on the seat) and everything in between. He took great pride when hearing how many people loved it (and all the awards it was winning). I know Matt would love nothing more than to have the bike owned by someone that cherishes it as much as he did.

If you all could help spread the word to family, friends and followers we would so very much appreciate it!

Baby Steps & Hungry Bears

2011-09-07T09:39:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I started back to work.. just 1/2 days for now. I thank God continuously for the blessing of wonderful, understanding bosses and coworkers. Between the bronchitis and grief, I'm beyond exhausted and far from 100%. Literally taking a shower in the morning about wipes me out. But I went in yesterday and stayed until noon. I've worked there 15 years and honestly thought I would be okay, but it was harder (emotionally) than I had anticipated. After the initial bout of tears and encouragement from my dear workmate, I got through the morning.

Baby Steps.

In other news.. due to a funky smell, I left the trash can outside last night (completely forgetting what time of year it is). This morning Little Buddy and I found this:

B-B-B-B-Bear (as my family often jokes). It goes back to a story from a few years ago of Matt and his Close Encounter ... So, instead of dropping the kiddos off at daycare and heading in to work this morning, I got to go back home and scoop trash. Did I mention it was strewn across the yard?

My Bad.

The good news is Little Buddy declared he will no longer run outside when he gets into trouble. I'm thinking bear season will be year round in our parts..

Dang Goo...

2011-09-03T08:42:00.001-06:00

So I thought I had fought the goo and won.. but I was wrong. I'm sick as all get out. My lack of sleep, inconsistent meals and stress these past three weeks have undoubtedly compromised the old immune system. At least I have the three day weekend to rest before I go back to work (part time), right?

Well, kind of.

Although he knows some fun activities planned for later in the weekend are on the line, LittleBuddy continues to pull out the stops. He did have his weekly therapy session on Thursday and yesterday he saw one of his fave social workers (where he poured out his anger/sadness over Daddy). He is raw, too.. and taking it out on me.

Naturally.

Sometimes I feel my nose is at water level but other times, strong as an oak tree. There is no rhyme or reason why I burst out into tears or can speak frankly about what all is happening. It will take a couple years to get back to normal again. Whatever that is. But somehow we'll get there by the grace of God..

Exhale...

Daddy's Wing..

2011-09-02T06:00:00.007-06:00

Yes Honey, I Remembered...

2011-09-01T06:00:00.011-06:00

Trash day was always a running joke at our house... taking out the garbage was, "NOT my job" .. On the days when DH was out of town and I had to do it, I would send an early morning text picture and get an, "Atta girl!"

Bonus points if it was recycle day.

So if you saw a girl choking back tears while she lugged out the bins yesterday, that was probably me. The laughter seems so distant.

Hey, at least I remembered.

Really?

2011-08-31T08:40:00.001-06:00

On top of the spiral that our life was plunged into a few weeks back (and all that I have had to deal with since), I've had to literally dig out my Big Girl Pants and personally put the kibosh on people acting stupid.

*Friends with seemingly good intentions becoming vulturous. Like, going through my house, taking things off my walls and offering money for them.

Really?

*Boys wanting to play with my husband's toys, borrow his things and rifle through his belongings. Seriously, DH's RV barn turned into a hang out.

Really?

*People emailing my friends (that they are not acquainted with) on the side wanting details.

Really?

Not to mention the very night since his passing, the new, big TV stopped working, my laptop monitor displays images upside down, the husky suddenly has a big lump on her head, one of the minpins had an allergy come back (his eye swells and he gets bumps all over) and a sprinkler cover thingy was overflowing and water came flooding out.

Really?

Last night my throat started to itch and my head feels like it's under water. Sure enough, I'm getting sick.

Really?

The good news is, I'm anxiously awaiting my one time survivors payment from Social Security for $255...

Really.

Zausted...

2011-08-29T09:54:00.006-06:00

As Little Buddy would say.

This weekend LB was a train wreck of emotions. As we anticipated, he is all over the board and has taken several steps back. The really tough part is not only is he in turmoil but I'm raw as well. For the record, LB knows what buttons to push and going for broke. I'm certain part of his belief is that I'm leaving next. Everyone in his short life that has told him they love him is gone, so let's just get this over with. On top if it all, he is grieving the loss of his Daddy but before the sadness comes anger.

Big Time.

So here I sit. The children are off to school, the house is quiet and I'm numb with exhaustion. For now, I'm shutting out the voices telling me my home is too large to manage and I have to sell it. For crying out loud, I can't even move the jeans DH has hanging on the hook in the bathroom.

For now I stuff back the fear of what the future holds for us financially and otherwise. My faith put to the test in a huge way, the bigger question is can I withstand, dig deep and find strength to lead this family of mine?

This is so not the happily ever after I thought was finally in reach. I wasn't supposed to be a young widow or single mom adopting two children. But suddenly I am and all I can do is press forward from here.. day, hour, minute at a time.

I have no other option.

Sploosh...

2011-08-27T13:22:00.000-06:00

Sitting still hasn't been my forte here these last few weeks. I've got to keep moving moving... especially when I have the kids. I can't stop and think because if I do, reality sets in and it's way more than I can bear. Trust me, I have my private moments.. rage, hysterical sobbing, deep grief.. the works. That's normal and ok but again, in private. They have seen our grief but not the really heavy stuff.

Today a dear friend and her son met up with us at a local splash park and the kids ran amuck.

It was awesome.

The boys got their spin on..

Then they got their splash on..

And a little princess learned that chivalry was not dead...

A big thank you to all the friends and family that continue to come by our side and walk through this with us. We have a long road ahead but will heal one small step at a time.

But Summer Isn't Over Yet...

2011-08-25T14:44:00.000-06:00

Yes, yesterday was the first day of school, however, Auntie MooMoo was having none of it. She and LittleBuddy spent a late afternoon hanging at a local reservoir w/ friends from her work.

That's my kinda Wednesday right thar.. let me tell you what..

Morons Amongst Us

2011-08-24T17:31:00.002-06:00

Every family has them.. well at least one, anyway. Ours is no exception. You know.. the arrogant, pot stirring, obnoxious know it all. The one with the venomous tongue.

You know who you are.

I ignored your snide remarks for years and finally wrote you off. I didn't need your brand of crazy in my life, not then and surely not now. The comments you have recently made about my husband confirm (once again) what an absolute idiot you truly are. I find it laughable you continue to stalk my blog. Aren't you bigger than that?

Guess not. Shock.

Just So You Know...

2011-08-20T14:45:00.005-06:00

*If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say, "Hanging in there" .. or I might burst out into tears.

*I haven't slept well in over a week and look/feel like utter crap from the inside out.

*You may get a random phone call from me and I thank you in advance for your patience and understanding as I try to process. I truly hope I don't become the friend that makes your eyes roll when my number comes up on your caller id. I promise to return the favor someday. I don't know how but I will.

*I feel badly for not responding back personally to all that so generously donated to the fundraiser, the phone calls, emails, public/private Facebook and Twitter messages. I've heard and read them all and they are precious to me. The money raised is so very very appreciated.. it covered my looming day care bill. For all that put their own lives on hold and came by my side, I thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.

I also thank God for my beautiful children, my amazing family and friends. If it wasn't for you all, I can't even fathom what this new life of mine would be like.

I am humbled beyond words.

Saying Goodbye

2011-08-18T18:30:00.001-06:00

The following was what I had written and hoped to read at Matt's service. The pastor ended up reading it for me. We're still in a spinning, numb haze, but I do wish to thank everyone for their love, prayers and support.

Today we celebrate the life of not only my beautiful husband, but a loving Daddy, a caring son, brother, uncle, brother in law, friend, coworker, neighbor, hunting buddy, fearless snowmobile leader and golf mate. As we all sit here today, shocked and saddened, please remember him for who he truly was.. A gentle giant with a heart of gold.

Matt was the most brilliant, hard working, clever man I have ever met. He could build anything beautifully and didn’t stop until the job was done to the satisfaction of his high standards. Our home he loved so much is a true testimony of his incredible tenacity and pride in workmanship.

In the 10 years I’ve known him, not once did he have an angry outburst (and if you know me, that in and of itself is a mark for Sainthood). I know I’m not the only one in this room he patiently dug out while snowmobiling.. Brushing off apologies with, “It’s hasn’t been a great day of riding until someone gets stuck”

We had lots of great riding days.

Over the years, he rolled with my heart and passions, welcoming and loving countless rescue dogs that would eventually leave (okay, some stayed), and deeply loved all the foster children that blessed our home. Nothing is sweeter than watching a 6’3” man melt to goo over curly haired SweetPea or him patiently guiding LittleBuddy through the challenges of checkers.

He had a great love of the outdoors and thoroughly enjoyed taking trips with not only his family but his buddies, as well. Snowmobiling, white water rafting, hunting, atv-ing.. All things outdoors. One great moment (that will always crack me up) was texting him pictures of the herds of elk in our yard as he and the boys had been up in the mountains hunting for a week with not a bull in sight.

Good times.

I cannot begin to thank everyone for coming from near and far to be here today. I have no words to express how blessed and appreciative our entire family feels for all the loving words of support and prayer. We are all broken but together we will heal. My hope for today is that we can not only cry together but laugh over the good times as well. I truly hope to hear your stories and I will share mine.

My sweet darling, not a day will go by that I won’t think of you and ache for your presence. The thought of experiences we won’t get to share together makes it hard to breathe. There is still so much to say and do. Please know how proud I am to be your wife, your friend and a Mommy to our beautiful children. I will love you from the core of my soul ..

Forever.

Surreal...

2011-08-17T08:46:00.000-06:00

Our Darkest Days

2011-08-15T07:45:00.003-06:00

This past weekend, my beautiful and amazing husband was tragically and unexpectedly taken from us. I will not be discussing details. I am asking for prayers not only for myself but for all his family and friends for strength, peace and comfort. I am truly blessed with awesome support that has come around me and we will all, somehow, eventually get through this.

I have spoken to our social worker and she assured me they will NOT take LittleBuddy and SweetPea away. No way, no how. Thank God.

I cannot even being to thank everyone that has posted words of encouragement, love and support on FB and Twitter. All the friends that have called, shown up at the house and emailed. My family that has come or is coming from near and far. I could not of endured this alone and am so very very very grateful for you all.

The Talk

2011-08-06T08:59:00.003-06:00

Our social worker (Tee) called us as soon as the termination hearing ended to give us the verdict. She has been with the kiddos since day one (nearly two years) and I can say with total certainty I wasn't the only one in tears. All this time she has been the one to give Little Buddy all the tough news .. and Thursday was no exception.

Tee knows he can't process information that comes in a beat-around-the-bush, sugar coated style. He needs blunt truth. Although he had been talking about adoption for a few months, to hear it's officially happening was huge and world rocking. Both in a good and bad way.. Can you imagine what a nearly seven year old feels hearing this? Joy, abandonment, pain, grief, anger, relief, happiness...

A massively mixed bag.

She didn't want him to have any lingering fantasies that his Mom would be coming back for them and was purposefully clear, answering questions honestly. It was absolutely heart breaking to watch my little man's eyes well up with tears as he nodded in understanding of what she was saying. Her eyes welled up also.. how we all kept from bursting out crying is beyond me.

We told him it's okay to feel the feelings that will come up.. he can be angry, sad and happy, reiterating as we always do that it's not their fault. Their mom loves them dearly she just can't keep them safe. We talked about me being adopted and my family, as well as their older brother (9 year old "Freckles") and what it all means.

"Being safe and part of a family that loves you forever," per Little Buddy.

As with everything in his short life, LB took the information in stride. About an hour after Tee left he asked if we could call Auntie MooMoo (my SIL whom he has become very close to) to tell her the Big News. When she answered the phone he yelled, "MOOOO... we're getting 'DOPTED!!!" and I could hear her hootin' and a hollerin' from across the room.

Good stuff.

It has only been a few days since The Talk and all has been well. We fully expect another cycle of some type of acting out but at least THIS time it's news that will allow forward motion. LB is no longer stuck, not knowing if and when they will be uprooted. His school is his school, his friends are his friends, his home is his home.

He can finally exhale, too.

3 Years 8 Months 20 Days ...

2011-08-04T08:58:00.101-06:00

In December 2007 DarlingHusband, Gramsie, GrandPaPa and I attended an informational meeting at the county and this journey began..

By August 3, 2008 we had completed the approval process and anxiously awaited the phone to ring with our first placement. We were sure it would happen any minute.. It didn't.. we learned patience.

August 3, 2009 we were bracing for the transition of our beloved twins, Jack and Jill, back to a bio family member's home. I can't even begin to explain the heartbreak and sorrow. There are no words. We learned sometimes the lesser of two evils is all you can be thankful for and how to say goodbye with grace and dignity. Well, our our version of it, anyway.

By August 3, 2010 Mannie, his little sister Sunshine and JuneBug had all come and gone. These cases taught us how to open our arms and hearts to not only our darling angels but to their bio families, as well.

And so much more..

Honestly, I was convinced we would never make it to adoption. Each year we decided to recertify because being foster parents was something we enjoyed...

Yes, we're nuts.

August 3, 2011 ... 3 years 8 months 20 days of tears, diapers, sleepless nights, break throughs and set backs, colds, laughter, trips to urgent care, holidays, therapy, arguments, tantrums, more sleepless nights... We heard the words we never thought we would hear..

"It is done..The judge declared your LittleBuddy & SweetPea are now available for adoption.."

Pure Joy.

Exhale...

Big BIG Week...

2011-08-03T05:00:00.005-06:00

This is me.. holding breath..

Stay Tuned!!

I Walk The Line..

2011-07-30T09:41:00.000-06:00

Parenting kiddos that have been traumatized can be a really tricky feat. They could be acting out because of turmoil.. they are upset, don't know why (can't verbalize it) and lash out. LittleBuddy once called it feeling "all jumbled up inside..." Because of where we're at in the case, our little man still can't be told what his future holds. Legally, his parents' rights are intact. Can you imagine how scary that must be? He doesn't know how long he's going to be here or if they are going to get moved again.

Absolutely frightening.

Most days here it's fairly smooth sailing. Most. DH was out of town on business all last week and that threw our little village off. Between him being gone, our C.A.S.A. visiting the kids, lack of sleep, the crazy summer school schedule and LB's constant "jumble", it was pretty rough. He didn't act out as badly as when hubs was in San Diego (THANKTHEGOODLORDABOVE) but it was still rough.

Bearing in mind the trauma LB has endured, I walk a very fine parental line. I've got to be sensitive, compassionate and understanding, but not allow him to go overboard. There have to be consequences at times .. he can't go on thinking that some types of behaviours are acceptable and he can get away with it.

The tricky part is that it's all in the moment (read: when MY head is about to explode I have to somehow stay regulated). At the very moment he is acting out I have to quickly ask myself, "Is it a trigger from something that happened in his past, his DNA, he's missing someone, lack of sleep.. or just because he's being a normal, almost 7 year old boy?"

Kids will be kids and test us .. no matter what their past looks like. Our boundaries have to remain crystal clear, consistent and fair. All the while gotta try to keep a cool head and not getting sucked into the argument of the moment...

Because you're mine.. I walk the line..

iSpin

2011-07-25T21:31:00.002-06:00

Two weeks of summer school down, two to go. Epic insanity.

In the midst of all the crazy there has been our recertification, the loss of a crucial social worker (we're still in the dark about that, by the by), CPR/First Aid recert, home visits and therapy for LB. Oh, and trying to maintain a normal schedule.. gotta eat, do homework and bathe..

And sleep.. keep forgetting that one..

Quite honestly, house is falling down around my ears. Laundry as high as the ceiling, carpets begging to be vacuumed and dust in the dreadful honesty of morning light. I admit, I spent most of last Saturday doing ME things (hair cut -- months overdue -- and the Emmy Gala that night) and Sunday should've been a catch up day.

Let me reiterate.. Should've..

Auntie MooMoo called.. Gramsie's Lake (a minute away) is having it's water pulled out. It's that time of year.. the farmers need it.. and it's starting to drop. Did I mention it's bathwater warm? When nap time was over I packed up the kids and we played at the lake all afternoon.

Naughty me.

LB had an absolute blast. Auntie Moo got him to float on his back and the boy that wasn't so sure about it all was doing cannon balls off the neighbor's dock before the day was over. Screaming with laughter, I might add. SweetPea was carried out into the water. She's not buying it and prefers to sit on the beach and pitch rocks or play with sand toys. Our family is part fish.. she'll learn to love it eventually.

As the house continues to get away from me new memories are being made. I'm confident I'll catch up. Like, when pumpkins are being carved .. or the halls are being decked.

And I'm totally okay with that.

The Big Show...

2011-07-23T08:34:00.000-06:00

A few months ago I became an Allied Board Member for the Heartland Chapter of NATAS (National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences). Being the gung-ho social media addict that I am, I naturally hopped on board the New Media Committee and am now the co-chair.

Tonight is the BIG SHOW... The Emmy Awards! I'll be socially geeking-out at the gala all evening long. In a little black dress, to boot. In honor of our chapter's 25th anniversary the theme is going to be, "Party Like It's 1986!"

Ya'll may not of been born yet.. but I remember it well.. and still have the hair to prove it...

Friend us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter (@Emmys_Heartland) and me (@FullCircle_Mel) .. we'll be using the hashtag #86Emmys...

Don't miss out on the fun.. It's gonna be, like, totally gnarly, dude!

Monkey See...

2011-07-18T07:00:00.001-06:00

Social Worker ShakeUp...

2011-07-16T10:00:00.003-06:00

It's literally weeks before the big court date (rescheduled from June) and we've all been praying for smooth sailing.. especially since the last postponement. "All" includes not only our family and friends but the social workers, GAL and CASA, as well. Nearly two years into this case, it's well past time to move forward. The children need permanency, especially Little Buddy.

Earlier this week DH had an inkling something was happening and sure enough, we were told our RFT was replaced (she's our worker, not the childrens'). No explanation, just.. POOF... gone...

And boat is beginning to rock.

Wet behind the ears and not familiar with the case, New Worker is gung ho for keeping the children contact with all family members. If you've been around here for a while, you know I am an advocate for open adoptions (staying in touch with bio family post adoption). For some new parents, it's a hard pill to swallow but it all boils down to what's best for the kiddos. Bio family is very important and staying in contact is, in my book, a must if it's safe and healthy for the children.

Sorry, DNA doesn't automatically make them okay. NOT by a long shot.

There are family members that we have established a wonderful relationship with and have no problems whatsoever. They have been to our home and us to theirs. They will be at Little Buddy's birthday party and may join us for the day while we're camping. They're over the moon happy the kiddos are with us and part of the prayer chain that we make it to adoption. I consider them an extension of our family and feel blessed they will continue to be part of the childrens' lives.

On the flip side, there are family members that are neither healthy or safe. In fact, a few are outright dangerous. It's true, I'm a worry wort but dang it, I've got to go with my gut. We had been asked to do an ice breaker with one (meet face to face) and I outright refused. First time EVER for this team player. I don't want this person to know anything about us.. not even what I look like.

It's that serious.

Word has it New Worker is pushing for family contact for all.. the whole wide-eyed, doesn't-know-anything-about-the-case-but-wants-to-be-heard kind of thing. I'm hearing this from the kids' social worker (N.W. hasn't yet made contact with us directly) and I'm in, "Oh Hell To The No!" mode.

When it comes to SweetPea and LittleBuddy's well being, I will stand my ground. No ifs ands or buts about it. For now I'm told the others on this case have my back.. Holding Breath..

C'mon August!!

Sneaky Pete...

2011-07-15T06:00:00.003-06:00

Discovered on our kitchen island when we arrived from home (with several other outfits for both kiddos).

Any thoughts on this Auntie MooMoo?

As Sweet Jack used to say, "Hmm, I think we have a little mystery here..."

A Rough Start...

2011-07-14T06:45:00.003-06:00

Not only did LittleBuddy's routine change dramatically because of summer school in the mornings, we had to temporarily switch day care, as well. I found out (way last minute) that our current provider couldn't accommodate his 1/2 day schedule (although I checked back in spring before I signed him up and they were totally kosh about it). Needless to say, on Monday I was pretty dang peeved. And stressed.

Tuesday I was able to scramble and find another day care.

On top of it all, we're trying to get back into a school groove. Tuesday night I knew in the back of my mind that I had started him too late on his homework and boy howdy was I right, it was ugly. Really ugly. Full blown melt downs, screams to the likes of, "I can't do this!" & "I quit!".. sobbing, arguing, utter hysteria...

And he was in pretty bad shape, too.

Yesterday morning we sat down and discussed the previous nights' escapades. He apologized profusely for his antics and I to him for starting us so late. Together we devised a new plan. As soon as we got home every evening, he would hit the books as I started dinner. After dinner, we would finish up his work. If there was time after bath, he could watch a little TV.

Cool.

Yesterday he started at the new day care. All this time I've been stressing about how he would handle change. It's not easy for most kids, but he can be super sensitive about it. If you knew his past you would agree, rightfully so. Routine is key in keeping him balanced. First .. a new school/kids/teachers, now daycare. Oy! When I went to pick him up at the end of the day, the director pulled me aside. She confided that he was absolutely perfect.. very polite, helpful and kind. Oh, and there were at least 3 little girls following him around (completely in love).

That's my boy!

We went to Barnes & Noble and picked out some new books. He happily read to me all the way home. Homework went off without a hitch and the night ended perfectly.. no fuss no muss. I think we're getting it dialed in.

I pray so, anyway.

Nose To The Grindstone...

2011-07-11T06:43:00.004-06:00

Today LittleBuddy starts a reading course through the school district. It's for kiddos that are behind (which he definitely is). It's only 1/2 days so at noon I have to leave work, grab him then meet up with his day camp at whatever place they're visiting. It is going to be a squirrelly month but well worth it. I really want him to be closer to ready when school starts next month... I pray this helps.

But summer is not over yet!

We've got a big birthday party planned for him and a camping trip coming up in a few weeks. In between there will surely be days at Gramsie's Lake, bbqs with family and playdates on the weekends.

And s'mores. Lots of s'mores.

The "A" Word...

2011-07-08T12:15:00.004-06:00

.. is being dropped.

for reals

We still have a ginormous court date to get through next month but it's the first time we've been this far into a case. EV-ER. As always, we've been advised that anything can still happen between now and then so no exhaling until we're over the court hump.

I've gotta admit, I'm squeeing (on the inside). :)

Dance Party...

2011-06-30T06:00:00.000-06:00

Daddy out of town..

Disney Channel on Big TV...

"You Might Think" Video Comes On...

Speakers cranked WAAAYYY up..

Little Buddy and I BUST Some Serious MOVES..

I'm da BOMB because I already know ALL the words to the song..

Little does he know how old it really is...

Shhhh!

This night, Mommy ROCKS!

SweetPea's Big Moment...

2011-06-28T10:14:00.000-06:00

Last night after the new social worker left (it's recertification time again.. JOY..) DH was chillin' on the couch finally eating his dinner. Of course, the kids and I had eaten while he was being interviewed. Poor, abused DH..

Anywho...

SweetPea crawled up next to him, batted her big baby blues and said (clear as day),

"Daddy, may I hab some pidda, mmeeaassee!"

We about fell over.. her first full sentence without instruction! We made a huge deal of it and she was very proud of herself. And yes, she got all the bites she wanted.

Yay SweetPea!

Happy Birthday, Mama!

2011-06-24T06:30:00.002-06:00

My beautiful Mama would've been celebrating 86 years today. It's a time to reflect on how much she meant to me, what an amazing Mom she was (I so appreciate that now more than ever) and how much I miss her.

How lucky am I that she chose me that fateful day in July 1969? I was only one month old and told (via my non-id info) it was love at first sight. Although the search for my birthmom continues, she is my "real" mom. Period.

If there is cake in Heaven (and there must be, right??), I hope Mama is enjoying an extra slice and celebrating with family and friends.

I love you!

Fish Fish...

2011-06-23T06:00:00.001-06:00

.. I Got My Wish!

And yes, they got thrown back..

Summertime Summertime Sum Sum Summertime..

2011-06-22T17:15:00.000-06:00

Stay Tuned...

More To Come!

Great Gatsby Golf Gala

2011-06-20T17:15:00.001-06:00

A phe-nom event hosted by Adoption Exchange!

"The Great Gatsby Golf Gala" this Wednesday, June 22nd is going to be one swanky affair! Here's a sneak peek at our top ten HOTTEST auction items to be featured that evening:

LIVE:
Couple’s Exotic Escape to Belize
Trip for Two to Wendy’s 3-Tour Challenge in Las Vegas, NV
Foursome of Golf at Sanctuary Golf Course
Golfer's Dream Getaway to The Boulders in Scottsdale, AZ
Rebecca Italian Jewelry Set

SPOTLIGHT:
$1000 E-Certificate to Delta Airlines
Amazon Kindle
Apple iPod Touch 32 GB
Pair of 1st Class Domestic Tickets on American Airlines
Premium Wine Cellar

Don’t have tickets yet? Click here to buy them now. See you this Wednesday, and thank you for caring about Colorado’s waiting children.

A Note To My BirthMom ~ Revisited

2011-06-16T06:06:00.003-06:00

Two years ago I wrote this post.

The search for her continues and she is on my mind.. especially today...

A Note To My BirthMom

Sometimes Ya Just Gotta...

2011-06-15T06:15:00.000-06:00

We were prepared for Little Buddy to have issues after spending time with Freckles. Being together can stir up memories and emotions. On top of their big weekend together, we had another home visit from a worker last night. Although I adore everyone working on the case, the visits throw our evenings completely off. Bath and bedtime get pushed back and what does that equal?

A really rough Wednesday morning.

Did I mention it's recertification time again? That means yet more visits and another worker thrown in the mix. My brain hurts. What's the upside?

They're worth it. :)

All's Well That Ends Well...

2011-06-13T08:18:00.000-06:00

Little Buddy arrived home early Sunday evening. After hanging out for 20 minutes or so, Freckles and family departed with hugs and promises of seeing each other again soon. Our concerns that LB would have an emotional melt down were all for not.. he was happily exhausted. After a good soak in the tub, he headed for bed and was out like a light.

Happy hearts all around!

Siblings Three...

2011-06-12T08:45:00.006-06:00

Saturday morning was fantastic. Little Buddy was up and raring to go at the crack of dawn and we were out the door by 8:30, headed to their bio brother's house. I told him to not feel badly if SweetPea didn't remember Freckles (their 9 y/o bro) and it could take her time to warm up..

Wrong!

She pretty much leapt out of her car seat and into his arms! I don't think her feet touched the ground much after that...

As us grown ups visited, Freckles carried SP all around and the three were in and out of the house, playing here and there. They got along famously and it truly brought tears to my eyes.

Still does.

They'll be bringing him back here later this afternoon. We are prepared for LB to be pretty emotional when it's time to say, "Goodbye" but knowing we'll get them together again soon should help ease that pain. Being with brother will undoubtedly trigger memories of Mom and we'll deal with all that as it comes. It's worth all the bumps in the road because keeping them together is truly important for them all.

What a blessing!

What Comes Between Mother's Day & Father's Day?

2011-06-10T17:15:00.006-06:00

BROTHER'S DAY!!

Recently, the county granted us permission allowing Little Buddy to spend the night at his brother's house. "Freckles" is 9 and lives with bio family that adopted him (healthy, wonderful people). As soon as we got the green light arrangements were made and it's happening this weekend. Can I just say that both boys are OVER the TOP excited to spend time together.

How cool is that?

I'm thrilled to report LB is doing much better. The raging has passed.. looking back it was really more like a purging. Of course, it's not perfect but hey, who's family is? I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel..

..and I'm fairly certain it's not an oncoming train!

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-06-06T06:30:00.000-06:00

On Saturday we attended the Broncos Bunch Summer Kickoff at Mile High Stadium. It was way less crowded and not as hot as last year's event (yay!) and we met up with our close friends Kx4.

Little Buddy thought he would be too shy to take pictures with the Bronco's Cheerleaders..

and then he saw them..

Perfect Courage...

Graco Guest Post ~ Numero Cinco!

2011-06-03T17:15:00.000-06:00

The following is the latest in my series of guest posts for our fine friends at Graco. It has taken FOR-EV-ERRR for me to get back to them with the update as our little life has been wonky. Ya, that's it.. WONKY! I so appreciate their understanding and patience!

Catch Up:
First Post: CLICK HERE
Second Post: CLICK HERE
Third Post: CLICK HERE
Fourth Post: CLICK HERE!
DRUM ROLL PLEASE...

LATEST INSTALLMENT: CLICK HERE!

As always, comment love is very appreciated! Go on now.. SHOOOO!

Well Well, What Have We Here?

2011-05-28T09:10:00.004-06:00

Oooooohhhh...

Aahhhhhhh...

Springtime in FULL SWING, that's what!

Kung Fu Panda 2 ~ A Heads Up...

2011-05-27T09:47:00.005-06:00

LittleBuddy went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 with day camp yesterday. I had no idea part of the storyline was Po looking for his parents (he was adopted).

Needless to say, LB had a pretty rough night.

It sounds like a lovely movie but it may be too heavy for some kiddos (foster, adopted, from blended families). I have not yet seen it but Café Smom has a wonderful post over on her blog.. please make sure to check it out!

---> CLICK HERE!! <---

DADDY'S HOOOOMMEE!!

2011-05-26T06:00:00.005-06:00

During LittleBuddy's HellaWeek, DH was away on business. In the middle of his raging I was feeling rather alone, however, looking back we both agree that it was best that Daddy wasn't around. LB is more reserved around hubs and he needed to let it all hang out (boy, did he ever).

Upon his triumphant return, rad gifts were presented...

LB wanted sand from the beach. Not only did he get sand, there's magic little shells in there, too (uuhh, look close)..

SweetPea is fascinated by fish. Her, "Bish in wawa!!" keeps her mesmerized for hours...

What was my gift? Why a

Of course!

I'm happy to report things have settled down significantly. LB has purged the latest round of demons and seems "lighter". We're back to our old, fairly drama-free routine. It's wonderful having Daddy home and things are as they should be.

THANK GOD!

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-05-23T06:15:00.000-06:00

Many of you may remember Maxie's Great Escape/Return last year. Our then 12 year old bully/lab mix ran like the wind and was on the lamb for a month. Over the weekend, he and Dakota (besties since '98) got to have fun in the sun and had a blast playing with their kids..

Big, wet kisses and giggles...

Snuggles...

Sunshine and Fun...

Perfectly Sweet Pups..

(PS the red on 'Koda's leg is her fur coloring!) :)

Who Da Thunk?

2011-05-22T07:11:00.002-06:00

Glad we paid our bills and didn't sell the house.. phheewww!

And The Thunder Rolls...

2011-05-21T10:20:00.004-06:00

This was, by far, the roughest week to date in our little home. It came to a head last night in an explosive display of rage by LittleBuddy... the likes I have never seen. On top of Daddy being out of town for work (one authority figure gone), Friday was the last day of school. Saying goodbye is overwhelming and it's mighty clear LB doesn't handle change well. Can you blame him? He has moved, changed schools, had to make new friends and deal with living in a home with rules. He has had to adjust to more than most of us adults could handle. And it's not the first time he's had to endure this.

In his words: "I'm all jumbled up inside.."

Once the anger finally passed (hours later), he curled up in my arms and sobbed uncontrollably for nearly a half hour. He cried that no one wanted him. I have to say, it took everything in me to not burst into tears myself. By the grace of God I was able to keep it together and softly reassure him how much we all love him and his sister.

We rocked and waited out the storm.

Thanks to a biofamily member that has nothing more than DNA in common with the kids (read: they don't know this person from Adam) we're still at a place where LB can't be told where his final living place will be. He can't even start moving forward in the healing process and everyone on the case is livid. We had a court date set and now I'm told it has been postponed.

It's the epitome of selfish.

For now we work on LB one day (hour, minute) at a time. All the grief, anger, loss, trauma, neglect and abuse. When each horrific storm cloud passes, the sun shines through and I feel another bit of the weight is lifted. Not completely but some is better than nothing.

Jumbled stuff be gone.

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-05-16T17:05:00.001-06:00

EVERY child should have an Auntie MooMoo..

Because she is Perfectly Awesome!

My Wish...

2011-05-11T21:42:00.000-06:00

Little Buddy's class had their Spring Sing presentation on Wednesday. They worked really hard and did a fantastic job. It concluded with a sing along.. everyone in attendance got a copy and we all sang our hearts out...

If his lovely teacher was trying to make me and AuntieMooMoo cry, she succeeded.

LB continued singing his version to me over the course of the evening .. he knows how to melt this Mama's heart. After the brutal month we've had, I can't begin to describe how awesome happy tears feel..

I will be framing this wonderful memory.

JuneBug ~ An Update

2011-05-11T17:20:00.000-06:00

I came up for air long enough last night to realize a year ago this week, JuneBug was transitioning away. I dropped her bio family an email to check in and send hugs and kisses. I am thrilled to report she is doing great, has managed to stay out of a cast all year long and will be adopted by them very soon. And she is still sporting a fav pair of pink cowgirl boots!

Hunkered Down...

2011-05-10T06:00:00.002-06:00

Last week was hellacious for Little Buddy (and, in turn, us) and we're currently waiting for the storm to pass. It's getting a little better but still fierce. Will write more when it's safe to come out of the basement..

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-05-09T09:10:00.003-06:00

Saturday Flower Shopping (ROUND 1!)

Perfect Therapy

BirthMom Search Update...

2011-05-03T17:15:00.000-06:00

Sleuthy Auntie M phoned the husband of the late (possible) birth mom and determined it was not a match. He was kind and chatty but they did not move to my state of birth until nearly a decade after I was born..

And so it continues...

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-05-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Perfectly Content

A Return Visitor

2011-04-27T06:00:00.000-06:00

Dagnabbit!

Perfect Moment Monday

2011-04-25T06:00:00.001-06:00

Church, egg hunts, chocolate for breakfast, baskets, family dinner, Wii bowling, more chocolate...

A Day Full Of Perfect Moments...

A Needle In The BirthMomHaystack Found?

2011-04-23T09:00:00.005-06:00

Maybe.. maybe not.

Yes, a possible match has been located but I've been advised not to get all worked up... it could very well be a dead end. Was this the work of my high paid investigator? Nope. We're still waiting to hear back from the County on those questions she needs answered. This information was found by a sleuthy family member (THANK YOU Aunt Mary K!).

So, for now, on the outside my tough as nails Game-Face is on. The inside?

It sounds something like, "SQUEEEEE!!"

STAY TUNED!

My Achingly Slooooowww BirthMom Search Continues...

2011-04-20T06:00:00.002-06:00

You all may recall This Post from back in February. After waiting nearly a year for a social worker from my county of birth to be assigned my case, I was finally called. My investigator has 3 mere questions we need answered from my non-id info that will make or break our search (things that weren't addressed when I originally received it years ago).

Since that initial contact in February, I haven't heard a thing from the worker. I've left (nice) voice mail messages, sent emails and nada, zip, zilch, bubkis in return. The investigator emailed Monday asking what was up and advised me to stop being so nice.

So I wasn't.. and it worked.

I got a snarky email back stating she is doing the best she can however there are several cases ahead of mine. I have no doubt I've slipped further down into her pile but oh well. At least I haven't slipped completely through the cracks.

Yet.

Dollars and $ense Of Family Building

2011-04-19T07:45:00.001-06:00

Our family-building history started literally the day after we got married. We were “older” (late 30s/early 40s) and time was of the essence. I had already discussed conception with my obgyn and a plan was in place. I had all the expensive tools of the trade (digital ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, the whole kit and kaboodle) and was raring to go. All we had to do was .. well, it. I had been warned not to worry, it could take over six months.. Just be patient.

Tick Tock…

With good ole Father Time working against us, I gave Hubs & I only a year to conceive. I briefly discussed IVF (in vitro fertilization) with my doctor but quickly ruled it out. I have dear friends that have had great success but it just wasn’t my cup of tea. Like many women my age, the clock wasn’t chiming, it was clanging.

All the while we were working on making baby, I was doing my homework and learning about all the avenues of adoption. Determined we were going to start a family one way or another, there wasn’t going to be a time gap between journeys. If we were unable to start a family the old fashioned way by day 366, Plan B was to be launched.

Did I mention the clang?

I reached out to friends and family that had adopted and quizzed. All had been pleased with their chosen journey and the conclusion was to follow our hearts. What spoke to ours was fostering to adopt. I then did the financial research ..

And was astounded.

Unlike International and Domestic adoption, the out of pocket fees for fost/adopt are minimal. In our county (it may vary state to state), the home study and court costs are fully covered including training, Infant/Child CPR & First Aid. While your case is geared towards reunification, the county pays for day care, (case related) travel expenses and nominally per child per day (it equals a cup of coffee and a muffin but it’s better than nothing).

Trust me, you won’t quit your day job.

The post adoption services are phenomenal. The child’s therapy can be continued (as needed) and he/she keeps Medicaid coverage until the age of 18. There are also therapy groups and p/a training available for the adults, as well. Keeping families equipped and healthy is the name of the game.

My conclusion is the true cost of fostering to adopt is not financial but that of time and possible heartbreak.

Our county was very up front to say they are NOT an adoption agency. Their first and foremost priority is to reunify families. Compassion, patience and being a team player are all something you need to possess to take this journey. You will also have to put your wants on the back burner.

This has turned out to be not about building our family but being there for local children in need. Seven kiddos and three years later, we have yet to adopt. That being said, they have all taught us more about life and love than we could ever teach them. They are our heroes. Looking back, would we do it again?

In a heartbeat.

In the end, we chose the adoption journey that spoke to our hearts. We were 95% sure after all the homework and training seminars that fostering to adopt was the best fit for us. The financial differences sealed the deal. As every family I have met that has adopted (via each of the avenues) has said, “It was as it is meant to be…”

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to respond to thought-provoking questions. Add your own link to the blog hop by May 1, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

Hey CO ~ Check Out A Special Screening of Soul Surfer!

2011-04-16T11:40:00.003-06:00

Soul Surfer starring Colorado's own AnnaSophia Robb (as pro surfer Bethany Hamilton), Helen Hunt, Dennis Quaid and Carrie Underwood will be screened (TOMORROW) Sunday April 17th at 7PM.

Did I mention a Q&A afterwards with event host (and family friend) Bryan Jennings AND AnnaSophia herself!??

WHERE?
Colorado Mills Stadium 16 Movie Theater
14500 West Colfax Ave
Lakewood, CO 80401

CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

From Event Host:
We hope you can join us this Sunday April 17th at 7pm for a special screening of Soul Surfer. This event will be hosted by Bryan Jennings who is a family friend of Bethany Hamilton, Pro Surfer and Producer of Bethany's documentary titled The Heart Of A Soul Surfer.

Our special guest will be AnnaSophia Robb, the star of Soul Surfer playing Bethany Hamilton. We will have a Q and A time with AnnaSophia after the movie followed by a message from Bryan Jennings.

Your tickets will be be at will call at the theater.

If you have questions please email info@walkingonwater.com

See you there!!! God bless you! :)))

Springtime Near The Rockies

2011-04-15T07:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday:

Today:

'Nuf Said...

Graco Guest Post ~ 4th Installment!

2011-04-14T06:00:00.001-06:00

The following is the latest in my series of guest posts for our fine friends at Graco. It did go live a few days ago on their site but I was unable to share (thanks to the PhotoBucket fiasco).

Technology.. ya gotta love it..

When you have a moment, please surf on over and take a walk down memory lane with me.

Catch Up:
First Post: CLICK HERE
Second Post: CLICK HERE
Third Post: CLICK HERE
&
LATEST Post: CLICK HERE!

As always, comment love is very appreciated! Go on now.. SHOOOO!